Going Home!!!

The pain is controlled. The swelling has gone down. And, quite frankly, she doesn't look like a person who had brain surgery just five days ago. So it is time to go home. Home to our house, our kitty, and our comfy bed. YES! 

Now if I can just get caught up on my sleep.

Ripples of Compassion

Finally, after a series of sleepless nights, both April and I got in almost a good eight solid hours. One good thing leads to another so late this morning we decided a bath was in order. This, of course, was something that needed to be accomplished with the help of at least three others. An hour later, clean and ensconced in her own comfortable clothing for the first time in four days - she fell back into bed and back to sleep in the middle of telling me how good she felt.

One of the doc's Nurse Practitioners congratulated us this morning on preparing well for the worst and then getting the best we could hope for. But none of the things we have accomplished over the last five months has been on our own. And it is not just the highly trained professional medical team that has made the difference. Even scientific researchers will tell you that their precious science has it's serious imitations and that favorable outcomes can not be entirely quantified. April has worked hard to have a positive attitude in the face of serious illness and the threat of loosing her faculties. Good nutritious food and a serene environment have added to the healing. And that is not all. Hundreds, dare I say, thousands of prayers have been said by almost as many people as a network of prayer groups and lists was built with the help of emails and Facebook. Friends and family have stepped up and given their time, energy, and money to help. 

The response by so many to the needs of my girl has been somewhat overwhelming. When it comes to others helping me, I have often had difficulty accepting. But, in this instance, it has became apparent that not only were April and I effected favorably by this generosity - those giving were also. My thoughts turned to how good it felt to save our little black and white kitty just a few short weeks ago and too see pictures of her now in her new home thriving and happy. How helping another being and giving of myself helped me get closer to balance and equilibrium in my life. How things moved into a clearer perspective. How having compassion for another being helped lift me from my realms of suffering and helped me comprehend the ripple effects of one single act of compassion. Now, as our best case scenario gets underway, I have begun thinking -  I need a "pay it forward" plan.  I need to learn more about working with this "compassion effect".

How might this might play out, don't know. But I do know that within this less than desirable life event I have been given an opportunity -  to keep the compassion effect moving in my life and growing in the lives of others.

I believe I have accepted the challenge.

One Foot In Front of the Other

Today was a series of steps toward recovery and a busy day. April was unhooked from a set of IV lines, every imaginable monitor, and other assorted assistant devices. After a very restless night, during which she tried several times to untether herself, I was glad to see this happen. Though she has been able to get up and walk five to ten feet with assistance, she is unbelievably tired from this effort, though also heartened by the fact that she can indeed do it. Her pain seems to finally be controlled so I have also been busy - napping. I have a whole lot to catch up on and since I am not aided by drugs, I must settle down enough to do it on my own. Finally, today, the stars have aligned and I have been busy taking every opportunity to catch up on my Z.z.z.z.z's. As I make this entry, I am pushing myself to stay awake until at least 8:30 when April will get her evening dose of Vicodin and I can hope to sleep at least five uninterrupted hours.

Ah...the healing begins.

A Bumpy Road

This has been a day of ups and downs. Lots of bumps in the road.

April and I love to travel and, when you like travel and you like beaches, flying becomes almost a necessity. We do it but we are not good at it and we really don't like it. I can tolerate the cruising part but take-off and landing, especially landing, can send me into a bit of a loosely controlled panic. We have this little landing game. I close my eyes while April watches out the window and sings one of her original event specific songs. This one is about riding in an old pick-up along a bumpy country road. It's silly, but we are silly, and being silly really does help.

This has been a serious surgery. About as serious as you can get. There is no silly here. Try to imagine having your brain and sinuses messed around with for four hours. There is lots of pain, disorientation, and it is difficult to breath and swallow. Medication makes the pain bearable but your head and stomach feel like you have been riding a roller coaster all day. Just sitting up for a minute or two and drinking water is exhausting.

Right now my job is to take notes on medications and the information imparted by doctors and nurses. To make sure she is drinking and that the pain is controlled. Tomorrow there will be some procedures: an MRI, removal of bandages and nasal packing. Maybe even getting her up from bed so see if she is able to stand. I sleep when I can and try to remember to eat.

Maybe the time will come for me to sing the bumpy road song - but not yet. For now I hover and I keep  the pay-off in sight. This may be a long bumpy road but HOPE is in the back seat cheering us on and we are well on our way.

Post Surgery Day #1

I was so excited to see April for the first time after surgery late last night. She looked amazeingly well considering the seriousness of the surgery.  I shared with her the news that surgery went well and her outlook is very optimistic. The docs both confirmed that information with her this morning and she is so happy. Yesterday before going into surgery she asked me not to cry later when I saw her. Well, guess who was doing all the crying during that conversation - all I have to say is she started it!

She had a few rough spots with pain last night and early this morning. I have been at the hospital with her for the duration and have had very little sleep in the past three days. But I am glad I stayed with her to help get the pain meds regulated so that she could rest. She will be mostly sleeping for the rest of the day and part of tomorrow but they may start getting her up and around later in the afternoon.

Those of you who know April well know that she is a very proud and pretty tough. In fact her Neurosurgeon, Dr. Vates, calls her a "tough broad".  She is not bothered by this in the least. In fact, she revels in it.  Dispite her toughness, she can also be quite senstive. She has a very large incision across the top of her head just in front of her ears as well as swelling and brusing on her face. Becasue of this, and the amount of work that she will be asked to do in order to transition out of the hospital in the next 4 or 5 days, she is not feeling up to visitors. I would ask that everyone respect her wishes and she or I will get the word out as that changes.

We don't know yet where she will be going when she leaves the hospital but we do know that she has a long road of rehab ahead of her. Hawaii is still our goal, though our trip has been rescheduled from October until the following April. A fitting month, I must say.

Grateful and Elated

April came through surgery with flying colors. The docs said we could not have hoped for a better scenario. They were able to remove everything and there was no brain involvement. Surgery took only 4 hours instead of the anticipated 8. She is able to communicate clearly and is now resting comfortably.

It just does not get any better than this!

Amen and Alleluia

"This is the best case scenario.", said the docs. Music to my ears. Just minuets ago I got the best news I could have gotten. Everything that might have been there has been removed. If there was any tumor left it is most likely now gone. We could not have asked for a better outcome. I am overjoyed. My girl went through only four hours of surgery instead of the 6 to 8 first predicted. No involvement in the brain! This could not be any better. I am so grateful. I cannot think of any more words.....

Thank you God! Thank you to all those people on all those prayer lists who don't even know us! Thank you to the best family and friends that anyone could ever ask for!

HOPE is alive and well...and so is my girl!

Underway

April finally went into surgery around 1:30. She was upbeat and ready to go. The docs estimate that it will be about 6 hours for surgery and 2 hours in recovery. Friends and family have gathered. I feel very well taken care of. And very well fed.

Surgical Update - 1st Installment

There are certain days that you just know are going to be life changing. Tomorrow is one of them.

At 10:30 am we will arrive at Strong Memorial Hospital. It is a place that we are all to familiar with now. I know how to find the best parking spaces in the garage. What cafe has the best coffee. Some quiet places that most "civilians" don't know about. And what time the salad bar is ready but not yet ravaged. 

Tomorrow we will venture into unfamiliar territory... the surgical center. We will be anxious to get there and hesitant at the same time. For our experience will not only be unfamiliar but also very unpredictable. You see - even with all the wonders of modern medicine, the docs know that there is something up against April's brain that should not be there but they are not sure what it is or exactly how this surgery will effect her. It could be tumor, scare tissue or just dead cells. We have to trust two men we barely know who will be cutting, sawing, removing and replacing and doing all this just millimeters from her brain. Though it is not an attractive proposition, it is better than the alternative - to do nothing. So we take a deep breath and try to find at place of serenity. Our HOPE is to find ourselves on the other side of this day at least knowing what we face and how to best proceed with this lengthy recovery.

By 11:30 or so she should be going into surgery. I will be hunkered down in the "Family Waiting Area" with my laptop, my sketch pad and my cell. Friends will be there to distract me with food, coffee, conversation and even games. I welcome them and their plans for distraction with an open heart and endless gratitude. It helps so much to have the feeling that I am not in this alone.

 

Having this forum to share my experiences has been very helpful for me - and for some of you too. So my plan is to continue throughout this surgery and healing process. For the next couple of days I will try to post at least two to three times a day and keep you all informed on April's progress. Feel free to leave your thoughts, insights or questions. 

And thank you all ahead of time for your continued well wishes, healing mojo and support.  It means the world to us both. We are so very blessed. 

Wedding Day: Take 2

Eleven years ago it was for us, our family and our friends. It was a perfect day. A sunny 78 degree day in July. A carefully planned ceremony followed by an afternoon of yummy food, wine, music and tons of laughter. We loved every minute of it and I remember, though my cheeks ached with smiling, I just couldn't stop. I was having the time of my life - my girl and I got married.

Since New York State made marriage between same sex couples legal last summer, we had thought about it. It didn't matter to us that our marriage wasn't "legal". We have considered ourselves as married as anyone else and the idea of going through the motions again seemed a bit anti-climatic and hollow. But then cancer struck and the prospect of a very serious surgery. As the surgery date loomed closer, we got prepared in many ways and the subject of marriage came up again as we sat in a lawyers office discussing how to protect our assets should things go awry.

So tomorrow at 1:00 in the afternoon we will return to our friends' lovely B&B off Park Avenue and renew our vows. It might not be as fun as the first time - maybe not as romantic - but it is still for love. The kind of love that sees the present as it reflects on the past and looks toward the future.....and holds all HOPE for the continuation of our lives together as it prepares the best it can for all possibilities.

Faith, Love and HOPE endure. My girl and I are getting married - and this time it is for real!

A Gem In The Road

This little furry creature came into our lives one cold and rainy day. April spotted her first, her ears popping up out of the hedge at the edge of our neighbors yard. Hiding and wailing at the same time, I knew that her situation was desperate and that she truly needed our help. She would not come near me and would run and hide as soon as I made a move toward her. The best thing for desperate kittens is food and water so we provided those first. We watched from the kitchen window as she devoured the food and drank nearly a half cup of water. I waited a bit - not wanting to tax her digestive system too much. About an hour later I put out more food and water. I didn't see her but went out to check in another hour and found both dishes empty.

It promised to be a cold and wet night so we rounded up an extra cat bed and more food. These were installed in the garage near the door which was propped up a bit to allow for easy access. We watched as her hungry little nose sought out the fragrant food and she disappeared into her makeshift shelter for the night.

As I lie in bed that night drifting off to sleep I vacillated between worry and frustration. Though I felt compelled to help the little creature, at the same time I was a bit pissed off at her for showing up. I had enough on my plate and didn't need to take care of someone else. Especially one that might be so needy. Then I realized...this was a gift.  Hadn't I just been studying a Buddhist teaching about suffering, that sticky wicket of human existence.  I was being provided with the perfect situation for the practice of understanding suffering - that of another as well as my own. Certainly This cat's situation was much more precarious than my own. I had a roof over my head, a warm bed and plenty of food. I was loved and cared for by my partner and the many friends and family who had stepped forward to lend their assistance to us in this difficult time.  Even though April was so ill, we had access to incredible medical care and the means to get it. Surely,  I could manage to be loving and compassionate to this poor lost kitten and provide for her needs.

That is the thing about putting yourself forward to help another - it feels good - to everyone involved. And it helps put everything into perspective.

Over the next couple of weeks little Gem, as she came to be called, plumped up, got her shots, was spayed, and became a great lap cat. She is now with my friends Sue and Russ, spreading her special brand of warmth and compassion into their household. She came at the perfect time and helped me learn a very valuable lesson.

Thank You Gem.

A Delay On The Road

This is not to say that we were looking forward to next Tuesday...but we WERE anxious to be on the other side of it. Major surgery is something that one needs to get ready for in very many ways, least of all mentally ready. We were on the path, the plan was being carried out, preparations were made. Friends were lined up ready to make their contribution. My calendar was cleared for two weeks. Then the call came - the massage from none other than the surgeon himself. April needed to call him back asap. The first thing that popped into my head was the grandest of wishful thinking. This week's CT scan was completely clear, it was miraculous, there was nothing there. I could wish couldn't I?

Not wanting to wait a second we returned the call, on the way to a look see at our fourth nursing facility for inpatient rehab. Seems as though the brain surgeon and the ENT surgeon cannot be in the same place at the same time next Tuesday. Whoops! And so it goes, again we are at the mercy of the medical community powers that be and our lives are put on hold for another five days as surgery is rescheduled for June 18th.

I hope I can keep deep breathing until then.